There is a law in psychology that says;
“If you
form a picture in your mind of what you
would like to be, and you keep and hold that picture there long enough, you will
soon become exactly as you have been thinking.”
Mwalimu Amos
In the course of last week (but again depends with the
time and date you reading this article) Kenyan funny man - online comedian Mulamwah
burned his “work attire” that is his dread mark acting costume. And said
that He was not going to act again. This was because of the trolls and cyber
bullies who he claimed were doing more harm than good to him.
The question we may ask ourselves is – why and who is to blame!
THE BLANK SLATE
During my teaching career I concluded that a person comes
into the world with no thoughts or ideas at all, and everything that a person
thinks and feels is learned from infancy onward. It is as though the child’s
mind is a blank slate that every passing person and experience leaves a mark on.
The adult becomes the sum total of everything he or she learns, feels, and
experiences growing up. What the adult does and becomes later is the result of
this early conditioning. As Aristotle wrote, “Whatever is impressed is
expressed.”
Each person develops a bundle of beliefs regarding oneself,
starting at birth. Your self-concept then becomes the master program of your
subconscious computer, determining everything you think, say, feel, and do. For
this reason, all change in your outer life begins with a change in your self concept,
with a change in the way you think and feel about yourself and your world. The
child is born with no self-concept at all. Every idea, opinion, feeling,
attitude, or value you have as an adult you learned from childhood. Everything
you are today is the result of an idea or impression you took in and accepted
as true. When you believe something to be true, it becomes true for you,
whatever the fact may be. “You are not what you think you are, but what you
think, you are.”
Photo credits to Mwalimu Amos
FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE LASTING
If you were raised by parents who continually told you what
a good person you were, who loved you, encouraged you, supported you, and
believed in you, no matter what you did or didn’t do, you would grow up with
the belief that you were a good and valuable person. By age of three, this
belief would lock in and become a fundamental part of the way you
view yourself in relation to your world.
Thereafter, no matter what happens to you, you would hold to
this belief. It would become your reality. If you were raised by parents who
did not know how powerful their words and behaviors could be in shaping your
personality, they could very easily have used destructive criticism,
disapproval, and physical or emotional punishment to discipline or control you.
When a child is continually criticized at an early age, they
soon conclude that there is something wrong with them. They don’t understand
why it is that they are being criticized or punished. The danger is that
children assume that as his or her parent you know the truth about him, and
that he deserves it to be told that truth by you. Because of this constant
bashing from as a Parent, your child begins to feel that he is not valuable or
lovable. He is not worth very much. He must therefore be worthless.
WHO WAS CYBER BULLYING MULAMWAH THEN?
Almost all personality problems in adolescence and adulthood
are rooted in what psychologists refer to as love withheld. The child
needs love like roses need rain. When children feel unloved, they feel unsafe
and insecure. They think, “I’m not good enough.” They begin to engage in
compensatory behaviors to make up for this inner anxiety. This sense of love
deprivation is manifested in misbehavior, personality problems, bursts of
anger, depression, hopelessness, lack of ambition, and problems with people and
relationships.
The child raised by an iron fist, tough talking and bashing parent is
the one in adulthood now cyber bullying Mulamwah and many other people out
here. This are compensatory behaviors and a way to release the hate and pain
put in their system by their parents. Therefore
as parents you are partly to be
blamed for bitter, angry and tearing society we have today.
YOU ARE BORN UNAFRAID
The child is born with no fears, except those of falling and
loud noises. All other fears have to be taught to the child as he or she grows
up. The two major fears we all develop are the fear
of failure or loss and the fear of criticism or rejection.
We begin to learn the fear of failure if we are continually criticized and
punished when we try something new or different. We are shouted at and told, “No!
Get away from there! Stop that! Put that down!” Ever realized that children
can play with snake and many other wild animals (of course we always say God is
protecting them) and can even touch fire not until you scare them with the, “utachomeka
wewe” blaring voice!
Physical punishment and the withholding of love; possibilities
that scare us and make us feel insecure, often accompany these shouts and
criticisms. We soon begin to believe that we are too small, too weak, incompetent,
inadequate, and incapable of doing anything new or different. We express this
feeling with the words, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”
Whenever we think about doing something new or challenging,
we automatically respond with feelings of fear, trembling, and a churning
stomach. We say, “I can’t” over and over. The fear of failure is
the primary reason for failure in adult life. As the result of destructive
criticism in childhood, we hold our- selves back as adults. We sell ourselves
short. We quit before we even try the first time. Instead of using our amazing
minds to figure out how to get what we want, we use our reasoning ability
to create reasons why we can’t, and why the things we want are not possible for
us.
THE NEED TO BE LOVED
The second major fear that holds us back, undermines our
confidence, and destroys our desire for a happy life is the fear of rejection,
and its expression - criticism. This emotion is learned in early childhood as
the result of our parents expressing disapproval of us whenever we do something
they don’t like, or don’t do something that they expect. As a result of our
displeasing them, they become angry and withdraw the love and approval we need
so much as children. The fear of being unloved and alone is so traumatic for a
child that she soon conforms her behavior to do whatever she thinks her parents
will approve of. She loses her spontaneity and uniqueness. She begins to think,
“I have to! I have to! I have to!” She concludes, “I have
to do whatever Mommy and Daddy want me to, or they won’t love me, and I’ll be
all alone!”
CONDITIONAL LOVE
As an adult, a child raised with what is called “conditional
love” (as opposed to unconditional love, the greatest gift one person can give
to another) becomes hypersensitive to the opinions of others. In its
extreme form, he cannot do anything if there is the slightest chance that
someone else may not approve. He projects his childhood relationship with his
parents onto the important people in his adult life - spouse, boss,
relatives, friends, authority figures and tries desperately to earn their
approval, or at least not lose it.
The fears of failure and rejection, caused
by destructive criticism in early childhood, are the root causes of most of our
unhappiness and anxiety as adults. We feel, “I can’t!” or “I have to!”
continually. The worst feeling is when we feel, “I can’t, but I have to!”
or “I have to, but I can’t!” We want to do something, but we are afraid
of failure or loss, or if we are not afraid of loss, we are afraid of
disapproval. We want to do something to improve our lives, at work or at home,
but we are afraid that we may fail, or that someone else may criticize us, or
both. For most people, their fears govern their lives. Everything they do is
organized around avoiding failure or criticism. They think continually about
playing it safe, rather than striving for their goals. They seek security
rather than opportunity.
DOUBLE YOUR RATE OF FAILURE
“If you want to be successful faster, you must double
your rate of failure. Success lies on the far side of failure.” It’s so unfortunate most people who surround
us are result focused and will not bare with you as you go through the process.
They will constantly be bashing, ridiculing and even backstab you. The fact is that the more you
have already failed, the more likely it is you are on the verge of great
success. Your failures have prepared you to succeed. This is why a streak of
good luck seems to follow a streak of bad luck. When in doubt, “double your
rate of failure.”
The more things
you try, the more likely you are to triumph. You overcome your fears
only by doing the thing you fear until the fear has no more control over
you.
In that case...most bullies are just into compensatory behavious.
(As written by Mwalimu Amos – Facebook Ticha Amoh)
TO BE CONTINUED…DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE US YOUR COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE
TOO!
Define
your ideals clearly. If you could be an excellent person in every way, what
qualities would you have? How would you carry yourself?
Very well articulated!
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